Thankful

There is quite a long list of things for which I am thankful, and as we come into the official week of thanks, I am made mindful of the things for which I am most thankful.

There are all the small things like a conversation with my mother while sipping our favorite hot teas, having a roof over our heads, and comparative comforts. But when I think of the things that I really couldn't do without, it centers around three people. And when I look at those three people, I realize the abundance -- the overabundance with which I am blessed.

Do you realize that the divorce rate among couples with special needs children is much, much higher than in families without special needs children? I cannot really even imagine that because Noah has brought us so much closer as a family, but I have read that it is certainly the case. When my husband heard that statistic, he was highly offended. He is a family man through and through, and he adores both of his children. He has a wonderful relationship with them both, and he shows a great appreciation for me staying home and doing the program that I do with Noah.

Then there is Noah. The child we almost did not get to bring home from the hospital. We didn't know for five days after he was born whether or not he would ever come out of that neonatal intensive care unit. So there isn't a day that goes by that I don't praise God for getting to spend time with him. Every day has been a gift, no matter what challenges were faced that day. And I think there is a special blessing in that most parent can't fully appreciate what it means when they get to bring their children home. I think there is a special joy that I carry because I experienced that close call, and I've watched a couple of friends of mine who didn't get to bring their child home. I can tell you that they have a special appreciation of their other children. I don't think it makes me special or that "typical" parents are somehow not as good, they just don't have that experience.

Then there is Eli, who is special in his own way. I cannot describe the joy he brought into all of our lives. He makes every day just a little more fun. No, strike that. He makes every day a lot more fun. And the contrast between his birth and Noah's makes me that much more able to appreciate the ease that it was bringing him home 36 hours after he came into the world. And I think that Eli has an extra measure of compassion because of his brother. In any group of children, he is the one watching out for the others because he wants everyone to feel good and be happy. He is stubborn and determined, and though it gets him into trouble at times, I loves those traits in him.

So, am I more thankful for Noah, then? No. I just have a greater capacity within myself to appreciate how thankful I should be for all of the special people in my life because of the lessons I have learned through him.

Ups and Downs

Lately I have been made mindful of how we began this journey with Noah with all the tests and devastation of what appeared to be a dire diagnosis. I can remember the dread of sitting in the doctor's offices and the pain as they looked at those test and told us what was "likely" to be expected from Noah.

Of course, Noah had a very rocky beginning. Sometimes I wonder how close he came to death in those first hours and days after he was born. We knew he had a brain bleed and brain edema at birth, but there were no clear answers about what that might mean. Initial brain scans had looked promising, so when we saw an MRI at three months of age that showed so much damage in his brain...

Well, I remember breaking down once we got home. I remember a haunting feeling of the unknown. But I looked at that little, smiling child (who according to the aforementioned brain scans should not have been smiling), I made a decision that I would always look at him and not some test. I made the decision that I was going to trust God with those things outside of my control, and therefore, no matter what, it was going to be okay.

There have been many ups and downs along the way. Lots of frustrations try to mar our attitudes and determination, but we continue to maintain our faith in God and be amazed by that funny, happy, sensitive, very smart, and very, very sweet child. So as much as I'd like to say I have strength and that's where Noah gets his, I really know that it is mostly the other way around, and as I said, provided by God.

Defying the Odds

I have an admission to make. Can I just say that I have secret satisfaction in being told that something won't or can't happen? I don't know how many doctors have told me that Noah wouldn't do this or wouldn't ever be able to do that. Early on it was things like gaining weight without a g-tube. Or that feeding Noah 'regular' foods would cause his bouts of aspiration pneumonia, so it can't be done. Or (the most common) that Noah wouldn't ever be able to crawl on his own.

It's not like we haven't seen plenty of encouraging, wonderful doctors. It's just that the less positive are more common. Of course they generally only get one visit out of us.

Is there a little part of me who would like to go back to each of those nay-sayers and rub their noses in the fact that we succeeded in an area that they said was impossible? Hmm. I don't think I'll answer that one. Let's just say that I have grown to appreciate the times when we are told something can't or won't happen. In my head I say, "Ha! We'll see."

But I may start saying, "Care to make a little wager?" Cause, you know, I could always use the extra cash. ;-)